*mess*

" I want to sleep with you." ; I said as I gulped in another shot of black coffee. His eyes poked straight into mine as he held my hands and left the cafe.

His dark messy room was filled with the scent of cigarette and alcohol; just like his mouth. The undone bed, unwashed dishes told a lot about his unsettled heart. Yet there was solace amidst his chaos. A long deep breath felt fulfilling here rather than my luxurious apartment.

Hastily, he tried dusting off the books lying on the floor when I went close him , pulled him over to his bed and whispered into his ears ; "It's okay. I love the mess you are. Sometimes it reminds me of myself."

Digging myself into the bed, I asked him to sleep besides me. It was six in the morning. I hadn't slept last night and few of the previous nights. As I turned my back towards him, he wrapped me in his arms from behind. There were layers of clothes against our skin preventing us from feeling each other yet it felt as if he had been touching my soul since forever.

In an utter silence of the room, all I could hear was a vivid sound of his breathing and faintly overpowering heartbeat. I loved it how our breaths synchronised just like our hearts did. After a long while, I felt relieved. The intangible burden that I carried all this time seemed to have found a resting place. Indeed we were broken, but at the right places. The broken piece of his heart exactly fit into my hollow one. Sometimes you don't want to be healed. You just seek for someone sharing a similar pain as you. You know things won't change so you just look for a shoulder to lean on at times of stress.

My husband wasn't a bad person. He tortured me at times but loved me when he didn't. His day started with a gentle peck on my forehead and ended on a whip on my waist. I didn't object. I was used to it. I was used to the pain followed by a  simultaneous sweetness. When the one hurting you, kisses the bruises he created, the pain doesn't subside but intensifies. It was the same with him. Every breath I took in his presence choked me deep within. I feared his touch and his aura suffocated me to the core.

I knew I was at fault. No matter how many times he bet me black and blue, he never cheated. I did. I was lying there in the embrace of another man happier and satisfied. I couldn't help it though. Somedays when I felt like sleeping without the help of a tablet, I came to him. He never hesitated nor did he ever question. He listened and that was pretty enough. He gave me what I could never receive from anyone else ; his silence....
- ♡