To my diary

Diary!

Please accept my heartfelt apology for not addressing you as "dear". I have never understood the concept of pseudo gratitude. Since it's just been a day that I have known you though we'd met earlier, I shall say it when I truly mean it. I am sure that moment isn't far away.

I know it is really selfish of me to remember you only in need. You had been placed untouched among other useless notebooks since a very long time. You might find it too much of a cliche to be decorated with a letter on the very first page but I couldn't come up with any beautiful idea either. Forgive me for being such a bore.

It might sound rude but if I can't be loyal to you , I don't know where else shall "loyalty" hold good in my life? You are one among the other fancy diaries I have been gifted with on my birthdays so far. From the beginning of my love for writing, I have in a way made it easier for my friends to choose a gift for me. They need not take their precious time for deciding what to gift as writers always need a diary, right? I will share you a little secret now. Most of them lie their untouched. I don't intend to disrespect the feelings that have been attached with the presents my friends offered but most of them have these beautiful colorful pages. My heart aches to scribble on them and defame their beauty.

Now that you've realized I have chosen you as you were the ugliest among all, trust me when I say this, you will be the most precious one. As I write, you will be the spectator of the tough times I will be going through . You won't be embellished with a beautiful handwriting nor by the multi colored pens girls mostly use. Your pages will be filled with sweat my palm releases as I write out of fear and frustration. When I run short of exact words to frame a sentence, you will be blemished with many cuts and dark scribbles I use to hide my errors. You won't smell of lavender or roses but of the tears and turmoils I will be going through.

Even though black will be the only color you will see throughout the journey , you will be well acqauinted with my various shades. I shall bleed black into your proximity but there you will find many colors reflecting my state of mind. Some days you will have to bear with my mood swings and the rest with my insecurities. You will deal with my pride and my downfall at the same time. Since people have basically given up on me ( which is fair enough looking at the mess I am ) , you will now be my next best friend , my soul mate , my better half or whatever terms that are used to describe one's closest person. You aren't a person but I will treat you as one. I will talk to you, hug you when I'm tired and express my frustrations when I feel like. I know you won't complain. That's why I have chosen you.

You know how a selfish human mind works, right? I might not remember you when I am happy. The days I don't write, you will know I am enjoying something else and have probably forgotten about you. Don't get upset then. Even though the day might feel warm and your absence might not haunt me, you will be the star shining over me when night engulfs me in it's darkness. At last the only thing that matters is who stays in your tough times, right?

As I sum up this letter, I won't promise you that I'll come back because all my previous diary-writing attempts have failed miserably. I merely wish you won't be the next. We shall meet when my heart gets filled with emotions and starts searching for pages to explode.
Until we meet next time ~

Would- be yours,
Pragya

Grey

As she gasped a large portion of air to fill up her lungs and relax her speedily thumping heart, she heard her name being called in a soft voice.
 " Miss Paru, you're next. Please come in."; a short nurse called her. Her legs trembled as she made her way into the gyanec's room.

"You're pregnant"; the strict looking lady doctor had to repeat the statement twice to make Paru believe what she just said. She had heard it the first time but every inch of her body accepted the fact only a minute later.

On her way back home, Paru realized the news of her being pregnant wasn't something totally out of the blue. In some nook of her heart, she was well aware that the result would come positive. The chemist's pregnancy test kit had shown the validation of the conception but with a hope of proving the kit wrong, she had considered consulting a doctor. This very decision didn't turn on her favour, though.
Her phone beeped. It was a message that read,
" What did the doc say? All's well?"
This text displayed a kaleidoscope of memories of past two years and the events that led to this day.

Paru was an ambitious girl with a middle-class dream of earning money to be happy "someday". With the dream of a satisfying and fulfilling "someday", she was in a race to outstand others and acquire it sooner. Her pace subsided and she detoured a bit after she met Birat.

If the relationship that Birat and Paru shared had to be summed up in a shade of color, it would be "grey". For him, Paru was merely an undefined acquaintance. Birat always voiced on how getting committed wasn't his thing. He hated how mainstream dating ended into marriages. After seeing his father's multiple affairs and the flings of his mother, he had framed an opinion that one cannot live a life with a single partner. Marriage was a life long obligation Birat didn't want to get attached to and it was fair enough on his part to think so. He thought she felt the same.

Indeed, Paru too shared a similar feeling when they first dated but her emotions did transcend with matter of time. She had started developing a short corner for Birat. When she laughed along with him stating how cool their relationship was for it's peculiarity, she secretly wished it was nothing but a cliche. Despite of her knowing that they didn't have a future , she couldn't stop deterring from what they had. She knew what was next yet her love for Birat said "stay". She made sure her vaulted emotions never leaked when Birat was around. It was strange yet beautiful for her until she missed her periods.

" I can't even imagine the trouble we might get into"; Birat had said when she first told him about the period thing. How she'd wished he named the unborn anything but 'trouble'! Paru wanted the baby but not as much as she needed Birat's presence in her life. She wished to give birth to a life which was a beautiful combination of her and the one she loved. All in vain;  she could never develop the guts to confront him about her wish and put everything on stake.

As the evening ended into a night, Paru muffled her longing amidst the grey and replied the unattended text;" Relax, the result was negative.Congo! " , gulped in the abortion pill and buried herself into the bed....