Growing up with a disease isn't something anyone wishes for. It becomes difficult specially when the disease doesn't get you bed-ridden for life-time but pokes you every now and again reminding you of your misery. I can say this because I have seen it close enough and been through it thoroughly.
The problem was with my respiration tract but it's effect had spread all over the body. First adenoids , then spoilt pneumonia and later what-not , my respiration system was never in my favour. Since childhood, I had struggled breathing. The doctor said my nose couldn't take up enough oxygen to fulfil my lungs' demands. I always thought of my lungs as the insecure girlfriend who never got satisfied despite numerous efforts and left her partner for a better guy . In my case , the better guy was my mouth. But the new guy turned out to be a cheater too ,yet she had too sustain with him anyway. Breathing from mouth was a start to everything bad. My teeth were all crooked , I caught tonsilitis very easily and many more.The tales of how I snored last night horrified me everytime I heard of it. Mom never complained nor did dad but the relatives who sometimes slept with me were the ones suffering sleepless nights. Thanks to my nose, again. They didn't directly talk about it but indirectly pinched me saying ; " I thought she choked into something and that she couldn't breathe properly . I feared so much that I didn't sleep all night." They lied.
It was a few months earlier my SLC that my nose needed to be operated. I was admitted in a hospital a day earlier my operation. I wasn't that nervous as it was considered a minor one. Instead, I was excited to see the Operation Theatre. The morning of my operation, I was dressed with a green gown with no inners. I waved a good bye to my parents and was taken in the O.T. The doctors , too, were all adorned with green gown and masks. They started talking to me . One of them asked questions regarding my age , class when the other injected my veins with a blue liquid. Everything after that didn't form a part of my memory.
My eyes opened in the ICU to see my mom beside me wiping the blood like thing flowing from the corner of my nose. The oxygen mask which covered my nose was too huge and was a sort of grey like cloth , unlike those fancy transparent ones shown in movies. I was no more excited. I felt like taking off all the instruments attached in my body . I missed home. After my consciousness was revived, I was planned to be taken to the General Ward. Since all the beds and cabins were packed , they took me to the Maternity Ward. As they placed me on my bed , I realized that the part below my waist was wet. I had peed without my knowing. One of the nurses felt the wetness and started undoing my dress. As I was getting changed, I realized that someone was there in a bed left to me . A boy laid there covering the right side of his face with his hand. I realized he was trying hard to not look at me as my clothes were being taken off. I giggled a little as I saw him turning once and again to check if I was done. After they got me into my own pyjamas I slept peacefully for the next three hours.
As I woke up , I saw that mom wasn't nearby. I turned to my left and saw the same boy playing with his phone. I could see that he wasn't operated. I made a guess that he might have got admitted only for medication. He looked like a typical nerd who obeyed all the instructions of his mom ; never ate outside nor talked much. There was a big chest like structure that separated my bed with his. I realized my mouth was dry . As I struggled to take the bottle from that chest , it fell down. He got up and picked it for me.
'Thank-you'; I spoke. He acknowledged my gratitude with a smile. ' Is he dumb?' ; I thought to myself. I took my phone that laid unattened since hours. I plugged into my earphones and watched the dumb looking ignorant yet helpful guy fiddling with his phone. "Tujhse naaraaj nahi" played in my ears. I always enjoyed imagining people around me in the songs I was listening to.
As the lyrics started reverberating my inner-self ; I started imagining this song as the story of the boy I was looking at without blinking my eyes.
" jine k liye sochaa hi nahi
Dard samhaalne honge
Muskuraye toh muskuraane ki
Karz utaarne honge"
In my mind , he was a depressed guy fed up of his life who talked to himself, looked at the stars with no charm in his face. Maybe his girl had left him or maybe he wanted to travel the world but here he was, in a hospital with an insane girl by his side who thought of him in her songs and about whom he least bothered. I laughed at my thoughts . As I came back to reality from my senseless thinking, I realized he was looking at me and moving his mouth. I took off my earbuds to hear him but he had lost hope of me listening to him and hence, had stopped talking.
"Were you saying something? Sorry, I had earphones on" ; I questioned.
'"Oh yes! So finally you are in your senses now? I thought you left this world with your eyes wide open. You were staring at me without a blink. I got scared" ; He laughed. I didn't find it funny enough. Oh C'mon! my sense of humor had standards. I chose not to reply. Maybe he got a hint of my disapproval of his joke so he eventually broke the silence,
" Well , maybe that joke was offensive. Sorry for that" ; He apologised.
" I don't find things like these offensive enough. Oh please, that wasn't even a joke as jokes are supposed to be funny" ; I could have said that but with a fake smile I replied; " It's Okay."
"Did it hurt?"
" Now a stranger will hold the power of hurting me?" ; I scowled at the thought .
" No no , I told you it's okay."; I tried to sound humble.
" No ! I meant the operation. Did it hurt?" ; He was curious.
" Yes! It hurt like hell. They cut you without anesthesia and stitch up your skin just like that. The pain is really hard to bear." ; I took my sweet revenge by building fear in him. I lied.
He sat there speechless about to sweat out of fear. My soul somersaulted with happiness watching the success of my revenge.
" By the way , you don't look like you're operated. Moreover, you are asking me about the experience. Why are you admitted, then?" ; I asked.
" Oh! I have my heart operation day after tomorrow" ; He stammered.
As I heard the word "heart" , I felt guilty for scaring him. 'What if he died due to heart attack and the police arrested me for the cause?'; I feared.
" Hey! I lied to you. Don't worry they'll inject you with a medicine and you won't feel a thing." . I tried raising his fallen hope.
" What? Are you trying to hide the truth because you feel I might pass out thinking of the pain?"
" No, trust me , it won't hurt at all."
He sighed heavily.
" Is it serious?" ; I wanted to know.
" Probably , it is. I have a hole in my heart. Doctors told it is a major operation. I might die"
" You will be fine. " ; I was very bad at lifting people's hopes.
" I don't have problem dying , you know. I have never dreamt of what my future looks like. I have always been sick. I never had the time to dream and aspire. Even if I die today, I will not have any regrets in my life . I won't have unachieved goals. But, ..." ; He paused.
" But? You can tell me. My friends say I am a good listener."
" But I don't know how my Ama will react to this. Even during minor injuries, I have seen her crying late at night. She doesn't have anyone except me. I hope she gets the courage to continue her life even in my absence" ; He tried hard to control his tears.
"Oh! It is time for my medicine. I forgot to note the time as I started blabbering nonesense. Please , excuse me".
He gulped his medicine and slept with ease leaving me restless.
The boy who I thought was a nerdy idiot turned out to be a guy with great maturity for his age. I looked back at the times I felt that my problems were the most difficult ones, that I was the unluckiest person. As I looked at his innocent face resting on the pillow, I imagined him struggling with pain as a child.
Maybe it was the medicines , I again dozed off. I woke up with an urge to pee. I saw mom staying by my side and wandering in her own self. She got hint of me opening my eyes and asked if I wanted to eat something. I stood up to go to the washroom. She held me and took me to the loo. As I came out after emptying my bladder, I saw that he was sitting there staring at the wall. Mom insisted me to eat . I didn't feel like eating anything. She warned me that I would go weak if stayed with an empty-stomach. As she gave me the food , nurse entered and asked her to get some medicines. I was about to shove a spoonful of rice into my mouth when I stopped and looked at the boy staring constantly at the vacant wall.
" Do you want to eat something? " ; I asked. He didn't listen.
"Hey you! They guy with a hole in his heart"; I sounded rude.
" Huh! Are you talking to me?" ; He finally heard.
"Do you want to eat?"
"Eat? Eat what?"
"I don't have pizza or fries. For if I had , I wouldn't offer . Mom has forced me to gulp this plate of rice with mutton soup. I don't want to eat. Would you like to help?"
"Okay, I love mutton"
"Perfect , take it."
I gave him more than half of my food .He was more than delighted to devour into that smelly mutton rice.
" Do you like pomegrenate juice? I hate the taste . You can have it if you want" ; He offered.
" Wow! This is actually something I feel like rinsing my throat with right now. Thanks" ; I drank all of it in one go.
" You know , my mom can't afford mutton. We are really poor. My uncle is clearing all my expenses of operation. I had this tasty meal after a long while. All thanks to you."
" Don't thank me . I offered you what I didn't like. Had it been something tastier, I would have eaten it all by myself."
"But it was the tastiest food for me." ; He sounded happy.
I had slept enough the entire day . Mom must have been really tired as she was fast asleep on the chair. The phone's battery had drained out and I was struggling to sleep. I didn't feel like lying there. I was moving myself restlessly when I heard a whisper.
" Hey ! Aren't you sleeping yet?" I saw him speak flashing the light of his phone .
"I slept twice today."
"I too don't feel like sleeping. Do you want to go out?"
"Out? What if our mothers find out? And where shall we go ? It is pitch dark."
"Don't worry they won't wake up easily . Let's go to the terrace."
"Okay,wait."
With trembling legs , I managed to stand . He helped me with the saline bottle and we left the ward. As we entered the terrace, it was really dark. He turned on his phone's light and held my hand as I followed him. We found a spot to place ourselves and we sat there comfortably.
" They say people become stars after they die , do you believe?" ; I asked to disrupt the awkward quietness.
" I don't think so. Stars are formed by their own respective reactions and processes. How can a human become a star? I don't believe it."
" Then, what do you think happens to us after we die?"; I wanted to hear him speak. His voice was so soothing to my ears.
" I feel dying is like falling in a deep sleep after which you never wake up. I don't think soul separates and enters another body or anything. After you die, everything comes to an end. If it doesn't , I shall come and tell you , alright?" ; He laughed.
" That means you will scare me as a ghost."
" I don't second the concept of ghosts. But, if something like that really happened to me after I die, I will come and tell you . It's a promise. Now that I have told you I will come , don't get scared when I do , okay?"
"Okay."
He pointed to my braces and asked ; "Doesn't it bother you? "
"It used to but now I am used to it."
"If I kiss you , will it hurt my tongue?" Even in the darkness , I could sense that he was gazing into my eyes.
"Try it once." ; I told him and went closer to meet my lips with his. The combination of the smell of our medicines rushed into my spine. Our kiss was interrupted by my giggle and he continued with me.
" It was my first kiss" ; He stressed on the word "first".
"Me too." ; I flushed.
"And it didn't hurt" ; We both laughed.
He died an easier death. He didn't have to face the operation. It was like , the only thing his death was waiting for was meeting me at the end. I smiled at the fact that my first love was a boy whose name I never knew of.
